the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
