can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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