im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
