I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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