I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
