I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
