If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
