True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
