There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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