Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
