omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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