Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
