Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I am spending my child support on dildos
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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