Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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