Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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