i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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