I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
