we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
