Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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