Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
