i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
