Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
