the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
