Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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