i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
