i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
