My liver just broke up with me...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
