so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
