dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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