dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
