Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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