When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
