sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
