we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
