i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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