he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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