would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
