Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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