My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
