someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i out mim tonsoeep
Come on in and take your pants off
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