I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so let's talk penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
