btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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