Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
