fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
