My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
