she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
