if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
