booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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