Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So many bounce houses so little time
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
