the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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