ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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