he referred to my room as the tit cave...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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