I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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