my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
