Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
