got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
