There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
