I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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