I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
