wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Couch. On fire.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
