We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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